Movie Review: Backwoods (2008)

Backwoods (2008)

Letters from Obscurity

Directed By: Marty Weiss
Starring: Ryan Merriman, Haylie Duff, & Danny Nucci
MPAA Rating: “Not Rated”

Backwoods (2008) is the kind of film that you hear about once, forget about entirely, and then spot suddenly on some random cable network (in this case, Spike TV). In fact, the only reason I recognized it when I saw a badly-edited commercial in between UFC fights two weeks ago was because I remembered that Haylie Duff (yes, Hilary’s sister) was starring in another horror film besides the ice cream one. Literally, that is the thought that went through my head. Needless to say, I was none too excited when I decided to finally sit down and watch it...and I was even more agitated upon trying to find any information about it on the internet afterward. There is no poster, no trailer...nothing. Was it just me or was this film treated like an unwanted stepchild that someone kept locked in the basement until they were forced to release it on the world?

A bunch of poorly-developed business executives, led by the far-too-enthusiastic John (Craig Zimmerman), head off into the middle of secluded woods in order to participate in a weekend of team-building exercises (yawn). During a heated game of paintball, however, one of the teams is abducted by a group of overly-zealous nutcase hillbillies (double yawn). The other team, including Adam (Merriman) and Lee (Duff), is also soon abducted and brought to an underground facility where the rednecks are making cocaine, praising their warped image of God, and raping innocent women in order to procreate. When the survivors of the ordeal try to escape, they discover that this nightmare stretches deeper than they could have ever imagined and that making it out alive may very well be impossible.

So, Backwoods was treated like a toxic film, one that was so abysmal not even the most obsolete production company wanted to touch it. Where do films like this go? Spike TV, obviously, which is known for nothing aside from fighting and the short-lived and mediocre Blade: The Series. So, all of this spelled trouble...not to mention the film starred a cast of relatively unknowns with only Ryan Merriman and Haylie Duff (Material Girls anyone?) being noteworthy additions. Oh, but did I also mention that the director, Marty Weiss, has only two other directorial credits to his name: Vampires: The Turning and a short film called The Pre Nup. And though the short film has a relatively high rating here on IMDb, his only full-length film has been completely panned. So, with red lights practically blinding me, I sat down to experience Backwoods. What I got was a ninety-minute exercise in mediocrity that only works because of its rapid pace, easy viewing experience, and pure entertainment value.

Backwoods has some fairly crappy acting, dumb villains, boring directing, and a completely clichéd storyline that we have seen countless times before and in much better ways. While violence is present, blood and gore is limited due to the means of the film’s release. You can’t show a severed head on network television. Even the music did not stand out. Backwoods begins with the obligatory scene that shows two campers being attacked, just to let us all know that these woods are not your typical woods. They are filled with a bunch of inbred zealots who, for some inexplicable reason, make cocaine. However, what makes Backwoods better than it should have been is that, when I sit down to watch a straight-to-television film, I expect complete and utter crap. So, I was pleasantly surprised to find the film to be actually watchable. It may be dumb and useless, but I was never bored and it showcased considerable talent in, if nothing else, keeping the plot moving. And, as embarrassing as it may be to admit, I cannot say that I disliked it. “Indifferent” is the word I would use. On a side note: I think I have been forced to use that word far too often lately to describe the current state of mainstream horror cinema.