Movie Review: One Missed Call (2008)

One Missed Call (2008)

Bottom of the Barrel

Directed By: Eric Valette
Starring: Shannyn Sossamon, Edward Burns, & Ana Claudia Talancón
MPAA Rating: “PG-13” (for intense sequences of violence and terror, frightening images, some sexual material and thematic elements)

Most mainstream horror films these days seem to have troubled productions with numerous rewrites, cast changes, and even director changes (look at the Nicole Kidman thriller, The Invasion, for an example). For most of these, the trouble is very apparent with ever-changing tones and focus. One Missed Call (2008), however, seems as though the production was quite easy. It went into production quickly, was filmed quickly, and was shipped out to theaters with very little trouble. The filmmakers made a polished, attractive horror film that features a sporty cast of mostly unheard-of twenty-year-olds as well as Edward Burns and Ray Wise. This sounds easy enough, right? It should have been great! So, why does it suck so badly?

A remake of Takashi Miike’s 2003 shocker (which, to be honest, I have not yet seen), One Missed Call tells the story of Beth (Sossamon), a college student whose friend, Leann (Azura Skye), is shaken over the tragic death of one of her friends, Shelley (Meagan Good, in a woefully short part that should have been reserved for some aspiring actress, rather than the too-talented-for-this Good). Supposedly, Shelley received a mysterious phone call just before her death that oddly mirrored her last moments alive. When Leann also gets a similar phone call and is subsequently killed, Beth realizes that a brutal ghost is moving through the cell phones and killing off all of her friends one-by-one. Can she, with the help of Detective Andrews (Burns), find the source of the terror and stop it before it is too late...or will this phone call be the last one she ever receives?

One Missed Call makes the rather unfortunate mistake of killing off all its characters within the first thirty minutes, except for the one or two that is supposed to carry the plot to its lackluster conclusion. It even goes so far as to kill off Meagan Good within the first four minutes without ever even giving her the slightest characterization. Why waste such a talented, young actress on a part that isn’t even worth Paris Hilton? I have no idea, but One Missed Call seems to enjoy doing this for most of its cast, including the adorable Azura Skye and the amazing Ray Wise. Shannyn Sossamon and Edward Burns are the only ones not tailor-made for ghost slaughter and, despite being very competent actors, they too are wasted on dull parts that are hollow and boring. The only thing we know about Beth is that the Netflix slip sleeve told us that she was the lead and, therefore, she is meant to survive.

I have to be very honest, though; I never hated One Missed Call. I just didn’t like it and I will never have the desire to see it again. It is a harmless film that is, at least, merciful with a very brief runtime and a nice cast. The film has very few redemptive qualities on a technical level and yet it works occasionally as a form of really guilty entertainment...but only occasionally. For example, I found the entire train sequence (with the exception of the dry conclusion) to be engaging and even a little exciting. I also really got into the scenes involving a televised exorcism, which worked primarily for its humor than anything else (though, I imagine, that the humor was unintentional). Still, One Missed Call is a terrible film that doesn’t really deserve to be seen. It may have a few moments of entertainment (whether intentional or not), but this is one phone call that you will want to miss.

Movie Review: House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

To Experience Rob Zombie

Directed By: Rob Zombie
Starring: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon, & Karen Black
MPAA Rating: “R” (for strong sadistic violence/gore, sexuality and language)

Allow me to begin with a blunt statement: I did not like House of 1000 Corpses. Regardless of all of the praise it has received from other horror critics, I found it to be a waste of talent and a truly dumb film. Now, I must also add that I really respect Rob Zombie and most of the cast from the film and that this was a film that I could not wait to watch and review. The film had a great premise that clearly paid homage to the horror of the seventies, ala The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and it seemed as though this was going to be a “real” horror film. After all, Zombie is famous for being a hardcore horror fan. He’s just like us...except that he has the money and the ability to turn his passion into an actual film.

Four college kids are on a road trip across the United States to document off-beat road attractions that would normally go unnoticed. When they stop at a gas station owned by a crude clown named Captain Spaulding (Haig), he tells them the legend of Doctor Satan who supposedly was trying to create his own race of super humans by doing gruesome and violent experiments on unwilling participants. When the townspeople found out about it, they took Doctor Satan and hung him in a tree just a few miles away from the station...except, the very next day, his body was missing. The friends decide that this would be perfect for their adventure and so they head off to find the tree. Instead, they find themselves kidnapped and tortured by a sadistic family of serial killers.

So, you have probably heard plots similar to this a thousand times...but remember: this film was meant to honor, not rip off. Zombie blurs the line here, essentially taking an age-old story and giving it a few wierd and quirky twists. The only time he ever really dares to strike out on his own is in the last twenty minutes when our poor twenty-year-olds (those that are left, anyway) stumble upon underground tunnels that are filled with all kinds of deformed people and, of course, the mutated Doctor Satan. And this is where things go from bad to much, much worse. It is as though Rob Zombie was playing baseball for much of the film and then, suddenly, he switches over to football...and we are the ones who get tackled. The two different aspects may have worked quite well separated, but when they are meshed together so haphazardly, they don’t gel.

So, what did I enjoy about House of 1000 Corpses? I dug much of Rob Zombie’s direction, which perfectly mirrored the seventies-style vibe. At times, he tried too hard to give it a surrealistic aura and the film came off looking very ugly (I loved everything about the ride at Captain Spaulding’s...but the quickly-edited montages with inverted colors in between scenes were very annoying). I also really enjoyed watching Sid Haig work so wonderfully as Captain Spaulding. In fact, the cast as a whole was generally solid...though, Sheri Moon’s shtick only entertains for so long and all of the victims are basically bland. When House of 1000 Corpses ended, I felt completely disappointed and, though I applaud Rob Zombie for taking familiar material and running with it in his own direction, I wish that that direction hadn’t been so filled with pitfalls...and that he hadn’t fallen in every single one.

Movie Review: Fingerprints (2006)

Fingerprints (2006)

Should Have Been Terrible

Directed By: Harry Basil
Starring: Leah Pipes, Kristin Cavallari, Josh Henderson, & Lou Diamond Phillips
MPAA Rating: “R” (for violence, language, some sexuality and drug/alcohol content - all involving teens)

So often my reaction to a straight-to-video horror film is, “It should have been great...” but Fingerprints (2006) is one of the rare occasions when I left saying, “It should have been terrible.” Let’s look at this film broken down to see just how terrible it should have been. It has Lou Diamond Phillips, the man who has starred in just about every bad straight-to-video horror film ever made. It also has Kristin Cavallari...yes, the girl from Laguna Beach. This is not to say that she is bad, but it makes a film seem desperate when they hire a reality television princess for a role rather than a more serious actress. It also had a very troubled time getting released. The film was made in 2006 and had to wait until mid-2008 for a dinky DVD release...again, this is not a good sign. On top of all of this, it sports some of the ugliest cover art I have ever seen.

Fingerprints works because of its initial premise, which is rather unsettling on its own. Melanie (Pipes) is fresh out of rehab and is trying to settle into a new life with her family in a new town. On the way home from the airport (or bus station or wherever, I don’t know), Melanie’s sister, Crystal (Cavallari), takes her by the supposedly haunted train depot, where years earlier, a bus filled with children was hit by a train. According to urban legend, if you put your car in neutral in front of the tracks, the ghosts of the dead children will push it safely across the tracks. When Melanie, Crystal, and a few other friends attempt to prove the legend, they find themselves plunged into a bloody nightmare against what may very well be the ghost of the deranged train conductor.

What surprised me most about Fingerprints is just how effective it was. The suspense was present, as were gruesome pay-offs, even when the production values were not. Leah Pipes does quite an admirable job leading the cast, and the rest of them are all quite serviceable in their respective parts. You heard me, guys and gals; Kristin Cavallari has enough talent to make her part work. She may not be the next Meryl Streep, but she comes out looking better than some of the other pampered rich kids trying to make it into film (one of which, Alex Quinn, just gave a boring performance in an equally-boring film, Lake Dead). Lou Diamond Phillips is again miscast (first Bats, now this) and, though he is certainly a good actor, he can’t pick the right parts to save his life.

I find it unfortunate that Fingerprints was shuffled off into obscurity with a micro-budgeted production and a lackluster DVD release when Prom Night (a decent, but not particularly noteworthy teen slasher) just received a huge theatrical release and even the atrocious Lake Dead managed to find a place in the “8 Films to Die For” festival. There is a real passion behind Fingerprints that manages to make it transcend the trappings of it own silliness. I wouldn’t say that it was great or even that it will be remembered a few months down the road, but it was fun to watch and it is one that I will watch for in some Wal-Mart bargain bin from time to time. When it comes right down to it, give me Fingerprints over the big-budget, special effects-laden Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem any day of the week. Sometimes, production values don’t make a movie...and the lack thereof don’t always ruin one either.

Movie Review: Lake Dead (2007)

Lake Dead (2007)

Lake Dumb

Directed By: George Bessudo
Starring: Kelsey Crane, Jim Devoti, Kelsey Wedeen, & Tara Gerard
MPAA Rating: “Unrated”

This is the second film I have seen from the After Dark Horror Fest 2007. This festival is also called “8 Films to Die For,” but I have yet to see a film that is to die for...or even good. Crazy Eights was not a good film by any means, but Lake Dead takes badness to a whole new level. Here is a film with the production values of a soft-core porn film except with even more hollow characters and dumber dialog. Lake Dead is perhaps one of the worst films I have seen and yet it is never bad in a fun way...instead, it is just bad in a really bad way. The plot is a mish-mash of rape, murder, and incest...but it is all handled in such a pathetic way that any disturbing imagery that the film may have had is wasted.

Brielle (Crane) and Kelly (Wedeen) Lake are sisters who have just inherited a lakeside motel from the deceased grandfather they never knew they had. Against their father’s wishes, they take a few of their friends, including Brielle’s boyfriend Ben (Devoti), to visit the motel to decide whether or not they want to sell it. In a decision that makes very little sense, they decide to stay in a camper, not in the motel...not that this really proves to make a difference, but one would think it does with the amount of emphasis put on the camper (Why not just take an SUV?). Anyway, two inbred maniacs begin to kill off the hapless friends, all so that they can breed with the two Lake sisters in order to maintain the pure Lake blood. Wait...what?

Lake Dead is the kind of film that really makes no sense. Why would these people stay in a camper? Why would they take all of their friends for what should really be a business weekend? Why does the grandmother care so much about maintaining pure Lake blood? If incest has been in the family for generations, why are only two of them completely physically deranged? Wouldn’t each generation show a progressive form of disfigurement? I don’t really know the answers to any of these questions, but neither do the filmmakers...and I’m not the one making the movie so it doesn’t matter if I know these answers. The film, however, has even worse problems than its lapses in logic. It is just a downright ugly film aesthetically. Everything looks recycled, like the filmmakers snagged it for half-price from some other bad movie.

I wish I could say that Lake Dead had at least a few moments of creative gore, but it does not even have that. There are a few scenes that reminded me of Prom Night (2008) because they seem to have a deliberate lack of blood. For example, we see one of the inbred psychopaths raise a meat cleaver above a woman’s head and, when he slams it down off-screen, a tiny squirt of blood hits him in the face. If you cannot afford a full bag of fake blood for a scene such as this, just don’t use blood at all. The film is filled with scenes such as these, with even the main villain being shot off-screen and then shown later with a hole in his head sprinkled with light blood. What in the world is happening here? Lake Dead is just a distinctly atrocious film that has very few redeeming factors, if any. It’s dumb, ugly, and very pathetic.

Movie Review: Cloverfield (2008)

Cloverfield (2008)

Run For Your Life!

Directed By: Matt Reeves
Starring: Michael Stahl-David, Jessica Lucas, Lizzy Caplan, & Odette Yustman
MPAA Rating: “PG-13” (for violence, terror and disturbing images)

Cloverfield (2008) had one of the most expansive viral marketing campaigns ever devised, one that featured mysterious commercials for fake sodas and a title-less trailer attached to Transformers. For months, websites were buzzing about the mysterious film despite knowing nothing about it except that the teaser was shot in first-person and that it featured a brief glimpse of Manhattan in complete chaos. I never really understood what made Cloverfield so appealing to so many people, but it was...for a while. By the time the movie was released, the excessive buzz surrounding the project had begun to die down, much like what happened with Snakes on a Plane. The only difference is that, when it finally came time for the film to open, people were still very much interested. The only question then was: would these people be satisfied...or disappointed?

Rob Hawkins (Stahl-David) is moving out of Manhattan to accept a high-profile job in Japan and his friends, including his brother Jason (Mike Vogel) and Jason’s girlfriend Lilly (Lucas), are throwing him a going-away party. Still upset over his relationship with Beth (Yustman), which went sour after they slept together and he did not call her back, he is devastated when she shows up at his party with a new date. After a heated argument, she storms out and Rob confines himself to his bedroom. As Jason and another friend named Hud (T.J. Miller) try to comfort him, a thunderous explosion rakes the city and the friends are plunged into a horrific battle for survival. Desperate to find Beth and escape the city, they find themselves pitted against an unimaginable terror, all filmed through the eyes of Hud’s video camera.

Everything in Cloverfield is played out with complete realism (with the exception of the end credits, which are necessary and irremovable) with the only music being that played by characters on radios or in office buildings and the camera angles crude and unpolished much of time. The title of the film is depicted as a government codeword placed at the very beginning with the words “Government Property - Do Not Duplicate” shadowed in the background. When the characters shut off the camera, we too are cut off and we are forced back into the action sometime later. When the characters stop filming but keep the camera on, we glimpse back at the tape over which this is being recorded (an intelligent way to use flashbacks to show the relationship between Rob and Beth without sacrificing realism). The filmmakers also use this to cleverly maintain a certain aura of mystery surrounding the film. Where did the monster come from? I don’t know, but the filmmakers do...they just don’t tell, but rather hint.

Cloverfield is at its best during and just after the beginning of the attack, with the entire population of Manhattan wondering out into the streets in complete horror. For those of us who did not follow the film religiously on message boards, we are like those people; we have no idea what is going to happen or what has happened. One of the film’s most haunting scenes (which somewhat mirrors the tragic footage of September 11th, 2001) features a wave of dirt, dust, and smoke that explodes from a collapsed building engulfing desperate civilians. Once we know what is happening, the film becomes a different creature altogether. It is a pure adrenaline rush that does not stop until the end. Cloverfield succeeds primarily because, instead of just filming events in first-person and then forcing us to watch it all happen, it seems to drag us into the action. Like Rob and Lilly and Jason, we feel like we are caught in the middle of the horror...and that giant monster wants to reach out and eat us as well.

Movie Review: Venom (2005)

Venom (2005)

Cheesy But in a Good Way

Directed By: Jim Gillespie
Starring: Agnes Bruckner, Jonathan Jackson, Laura Ramsey, & Meagan Good
MPAA Rating: “R” (for strong horror violence/gore, and language)

I wish that I could say that everyone who hated Venom just didn’t understand it...but, to see this film and not understand it is like seeing a chair and not knowing you are supposed to sit in it. No, I’m afraid that they watched Venom and just didn’t like it. So, to my surprise, why did I enjoy it as much as I did? It is a back-to-basics slasher film with an intriguing (though underplayed) voodoo concept thrown in...And that is it. I could end this review right here and you would know everything you needed to know. Do you like dumb, but fun horror films that feature a supernatural killer killing off a slew of hapless teenagers? If so, then Venom probably won’t be anything new for you, but it really isn’t that bad.

When a voodoo curse is accidentally released on unsuspecting Ray Sawyer (Rick Cramer), the strange but harmless gas station attendant becomes a brutal, bloodthirsty (and slightly decomposing, I might add) killer. Local waitress, Eden (Bruckner), and her boyfriend, Eric (Jackson), are forced into a bloody battle for survival with their friends, as Ray begins to kill them off one-by-one. Carnage ensues in the swamps of Louisiana. See what I mean? Doesn’t this sound like a shockingly similar plot to just about every slasher flick you have ever seen? All you have to do is take away the voodoo curse and throw in some revenge subplot and you have Prom Night or one of many films from the eighties. Chances are, if you really liked those films (I did), then you will probably enjoy the vibe of Venom as well.

Jim Gillespie (best known for directing I Know What You Did Last Summer) brings a lot of style and charm to the film via a dark, hazy, and mysterious mood. He capitalizes on the film’s setting, throwing our teenagers into murky swamps, creepy woods, and a sinister graveyard. The film is never scary, but the brilliant settings certainly do make it look like it is. Gillespie falters occasionally when he uses quick-cut editing to top off death scenes (and other scenes, in which it is even more pointless). The death of one particular police officer is perhaps the best example of this. However, this never hurts Venom too much. Slasher flicks such as these do not require much visual flare or brilliant direction so it was nice to see Gillespie inject some form of creativity into the shooting style. He also excels by keeping the killer masked in shadows for much of the film with only the occasional splash of light exposing his grisly face...until the sunlit finale, of course, when all darkness is thrown to the wind.

The death scenes in Venom are not the goriest ones ever filmed, but they have a certain creativity and brutality to them that harkens back to the eighties. Take for example, a scene in which a young girl is strung between two cars and then impaled on a tree limb. It was entertaining, creative, and certainly violent...but not much blood is shown. The cast, for the most part, is solid though they are stock teen actors who can be found on any CW back lot. Bijou Phillips, perhaps the only high-profile star in the entire film (and by high-profile, I mean Paris Hilton-wannabe) and, if I learned anything from Venom, it was that she is not a good actress. She is passable, but when your only job is spouting off a few lines of dialog, screaming, and then dying, any other actress would have been just as serviceable. The same can be said for Venom as a whole. It probably isn’t a good movie, but it is passable. Any other slasher flick would do the exact same thing as this (perhaps even better), but you could do far worse than Venom.

Movie Review: Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

What Happened Here?

Directed By: The Brothers Strause
Starring: Steven Pasquale, Reiko Aylesworth, & Johnny Lewis
MPAA Rating: “Unrated”

With the debate of PG-13 versus R waging furiously in the minds of horror fans with the recent box-office success of Prom Night (2008), gore-hounds should not be pleased that this film was released as a representation of the more violent, blood-soaked, profanity-laden horror films. Because, if this were my first venture into R-rated horror, I would turn right around and live forever in the realm of PG-13. Here is a film that is all violence...and only violence. This was supposed to be the film horror fans were waiting for: the ultimate showdown between two of horror’s most notorious icons. The Brothers Strause openly proclaimed that it was the battle these two titans deserved. Instead, we have a film that is even more embarrassing and even more disappointing, and even more incompetent.

Starting right where AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004), we again meet the Alien/Predator hybrid that was first introduced in the first film. After it makes the predators’ ship crash back to earth, chaos quickly erupts. Aliens quickly begin to spread across Gunnison, Colorado. Soon, however, a cleaner predator is dispatched to cover up the mess that was started in Antarctica. Soon, the two warring alien species again launch into battle with a terrified town plunged in the middle. A few terrified survivors, including former convict, Dallas Howard (Pasquale), and Kelly O’Brien (Aylesworth), begin a desperate battle to escape the town. Meanwhile, the United States government has a much darker and deadlier plan for the small town of Gunnison, one that will ensure the complete annihilation of both the aliens and predator...but everyone else still alive in the town as well. Well, at least, I suppose that this is the plot...I really couldn’t make out what was happening half of the time.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem suffers from its greatest problems in its handling of the once-terrifying creatures and in the execution of the principle human characters. The aliens and the single predator are essentially limited to just a series of quick-cut editing jobs, boring motions, and dull battle scenes. There is no personality, no tension, and no interest in any of them. The same can be said for all of the other characters. These suffer from what is perhaps the worst characterization in any movie. If they do have personalities, they are just clichés and stereotypes that have been pulled from age-old molds. However, most of them are not even afforded these; they are just cardboard cut-outs that can run and shoot guns. There are no relationships and, therefore, no real emotions associated with any of them.

So, with boring characters and boring warring aliens, we can at least expect some hardcore action scenes...right? There may have been carefully-choreographed fight scenes and pulse-pounding violence (I doubt it severely, though), but I can’t really say for sure because I couldn’t see anything. Whoever was responsible for the lighting in this film should be taken out back and beat with sticks. The film is so disastrously dark (even in daylight settings) that the plot is almost completely incoherent, any of the action scenes are hidden, and it often comes off as a series of jumbled sound bites with the occasional flash of light. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem is just a distinctly boring, rather insipid film that never breaks away from the dreaded shadow of its predecessor. Paul W. S. Anderson was not included in this project, because studios feared that fanboys would be turned off by him after AVP: Alien vs. Predator. Unfortunately, they replaced him with filmmakers who are perhaps even worse. Not even the most gruesome gore or extreme violence could save such a terrible disappointment.

Movie Review: Prom Night (1980)

Prom Night (1980)

Perfectly Cheesy Slasher Stuff

Directed By: Paul Lynch
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Leslie Nielsen, Casey Stevens, & Eddie Benton
MPAA Rating: “R”

Here is one of the many slasher flicks to come out of the eighties, a time of abundance for nudity-laced, blood-splattered shockers. Much like all of the others, it shows no real originality or creativity, instead opting for just offing teenagers along a very specific formula. However, with the amazing Jamie Lee Curtis in the lead and a mean streak that runs directly through it, Prom Night (1980) manages to be a head taller than all of the others...unless, of course, that head has just been severed and is rolling across the stage. It isn’t particularly intelligent or gruesome (the blood is restrained here, but the brutality is displayed brilliantly...with the exception of the now-famous decapitation), but Prom Night is one fun movie to watch.

Six years earlier, four young children accidentally killed another girl during a game of hide-and-seek when, while taunting her, happened to send her falling through a second-floor window and to a bloody death below. Now, on prom night, the sister of the deceased child, Kim (Curtis), is dating Nick, (Stevens), one of the guilty children. Everyone is just trying to ignore the fact that this is the anniversary of the accident...except for a masked killer who wants revenge. He (or maybe she) makes obscene phone calls, posts mysterious yearbook photos in lockers, and plots to turn this prom night into an evening of blood, terror, and suspense. As all of those responsible begin to die off one-by-one, the remaining survivors must try to survive and discover the identity of the killer before it’s too late. Oh yes, and Jamie Lee Curtis proves that she can disco right beside John Travolta all night long.

The motive for our killer is established within the first few minutes of the film so the rest of it all is just stalk and slash with some groovy (or the eighties alternative for that word) dancing sprinkled around. It nails every slasher movie cliché imaginable, including sinister phone calls and a shadowy killer who seems to everywhere all at once. Prom Night takes nearly an hour before the slasher starts slashing, but it is difficult to get bored when we are treated with such vibrant and nostalgic teen melodrama. The heated tension between Jamie Lee Curtis and Eddie Benton is like an episode of Laguna Beach except with better writing and better actors...ahem, real teenagers. We almost hope that the two lovely ladies will begin an all-out slapping war that results in Ms. Benton losing a swatch of hair and getting a black eye (After all, Jamie Lee Curtis beat the one and only Michael Myers so a skinny slut clad in red sequins should be a piece of cake). Instead, an axe-wielding maniac shows up...if only all high school dramas were this interesting.

The larger-budget, teen-oriented remake of this film just slashed its way into the box-office and, though I did actually enjoy it for what it was (cheap, mindless entertainment), it is sad that so many young audiences will never even hear of this film because of it. I wish that I had been old enough to partake in this reign of the slasher that occurred during the eighties, because, even if they are all the same thing with different packaging and even if many of them were terrible, there is still just something fun about movies such as these. They are harmless, never really trying to change anything. They are joyfully violent, blood-soaked and some of the easiest horror watches imaginable. Prom Night (1980) is no different. In fact, it is perhaps more fun and more joyful in its carnage than most of the others.

Movie Review: Crazy Eights (2006)

Crazy Eights (2006)

Wasted Potential Throughout

Directed By: James K. Jones
Starring: Dina Meyer, Traci Lords, George Newbern, & Frank Whaley
MPAA Rating: “R” (for violence, disturbing images, and language)

I cannot remember the last time a movie has made me this angry, not because of how bad it is necessarily but because of how good it should have been. It takes an intriguing concept, a solid cast, and a genuinely creepy atmosphere and flushes it down the toilet with a dreary pace, a dumb conclusion, and thoroughly lackluster thrills. Everything falls apart within the first thirty minutes and we, the very unfortunate audience, are merely watching the same jump scare over and over, waiting haplessly for an ending that does nothing to improve on anything we have just watched. Crazy Eights, released as part of the After Dark Horrorfest, lives up to the festival’s history of showing substandard films that no one wants to release and that no one wants to see.

After the death of a childhood friend, six adults, who have been close since their younger years, reunite for his funeral. Upon arrival at his home, they find a box which contains a map, directing them to the location of a time capsule they hid years earlier. When they find and open the time capsule, however, they find the decomposed body of a young girl hidden beneath all of their toys. Deciding to abandon the body (never a good idea in these kinds of movies), they happen upon an old, condemned house and, when one of them breaks his leg, they seek help down a darkened tunnel in the basement. This tunnel will not lead to safety, however...it will lead to an abandoned hospital, a place where they will all face unbearable secrets from their pasts as they begin to die one-by-one.

I am a huge fan of Dina Meyer and this is the second film from her that I reviewed for the purposes of this blog. Unfortunately, much like with Bats, she again proves to be a good actress trapped in crap and, this time, she is joined by Traci Lords, the porn-star-turned-actress, and Frank Whaley, an underappreciated actor in his own right. It’s infuriating to watch such a well-assembled and talented cast deliver solid performances in a movie that is continuously playing against them. Whenever it seems as though their performances alone may be able to save the movie from complete atrociousness, a ghastly hand grabs them, we cut to a shot of a door, and hear terrified screams from within. It’s just so humiliating to watch them flounder around, giving their bests for a film that is not worth the effort. Here is a movie that is dressed up like a good horror movie and yet written like one of Traci Lords’ porn tapes.

Crazy Eights abuses the privilege of being able to bang a loud noise out in order to terrify the audience because there is never a source to any of these sounds. For example, a character is looking eerily at the body of the young girl, a loud noise sounds for no apparent reason, and he quickly hurries away. Why? What was that sound? We may never know. The entire film is just a series of plot devices that are never explained and that never really make any sense. We can only wonder how a character could stumble down stairs and yet his entire leg would be mangled beyond belief, skinned ripped off and everything. What kind of stairs are they? Nothing makes any sense, but I am going to be slightly generous with my star rating simply because, even if the rest of the film is terrible, the cast is competent and well-selected.

Movie Review: Inside (2007)

Inside (2007)

Unrelenting…Frightening

Directed By: Alexandre Bustillo & Julien Maury
Starring: Béatrice Dalle & Alysson Paradis
MPAA Rating: “Unrated”

Here it is...the film that has been applauded, praised, and hyped more than any other horror film in the past decade. John Fallon of Arrow in the Head called it the best film of 2007 and called it “the most rewarding horror film that I’ve seen in the last 5 years.” Because I truly respect Fallon (and the entire crew at Joblo), I was anticipating Inside, a French horror film from first-time directors Bustillo and Maury, more than I really wanted to admit to myself. It’s difficult to put the anticipation and excitement aside when it becomes time to write an honest review, but it is necessary in order to avoid over-hyping a project. With all of that crammed into my mind, I sat down to watch Inside and, to be very honest, I had a blast.

The plot here is simple, but the execution is complex and perhaps brilliant. A very pregnant Sarah (Paradis), who is in fact scheduled to give birth the following morning, is stalked and brutally attacked by a sadistic woman (Dalle) who seems to want Sarah’s unborn child. Over the course of the night, the two women engage in a bloody battle for dominance, while anyone else that comes to Sarah’s aide finds themselves impaled, stabbed, or otherwise deceased. Bustillo and Maury really push the plot to the next level by maximizing on the pregnancy of Sarah, using it to heighten the emotional (and even the physical) battle between the two women. Sarah, of course, has more desperation to fight for she is also fighting for her child, but the shadowy woman who wants to kill Sarah only has this desire in order to obtain that same child. It makes the violence more brutal, the struggle more desperate, and the entire situation far more horrific.

People often claim that the horror genre is quickly heading towards a mass exodus from American cinemas, much like what happened after the over-saturation in the late eighties. Unless it is a sequel or a PG-13 remake aimed solely at teenagers (ala Prom Night), horror films do not seem to have much of a chance with audiences...especially if they are bleak, blood-soaked, and violent films that are filled with darkness rather than the cheesy slasher fare. For a certain time, the so-called torture porn subgenre (which was furthered by the likes of Eli Roth) seemed like a new rejuvenation of the genre, like Scream was in the nineties. However, that proved to be a quickly-dying breed, one that started out about as shocking as it could get and only grew more and more tame (or more and more desperate).

Inside is not a film about physical torture and it isn’t a remake and it isn’t aimed at teenagers. Based solely on the public opinion of horror, it was perhaps destined to be ignored by general audiences, destined to go directly to DVD and be seen only by the most devout horror enthusiasts. However, no matter what state the horror genre may be in, Inside was never intended for anyone other than horror lovers. Here is a film that is so shockingly violent, so brutally gruesome, and excruciatingly torturous that it almost transcends the horror genre into something that may resemble vintage Sam Raimi or Peter Jackson except without the humor and with extreme darkness. The violence is over-the-top, perhaps even implausible but it is played out with sheer seriousness. We watch blood spray, intestines fly, and even (in a dream sequence) an infant explode from a woman’s mouth...and yet never does it seem cheesy or humorous. Here is a film that is so utterly amazing and so bloody brilliant that it begs to be seen, to be experienced...but be warned: this is for sincere horror hounds only.

Movie Reviews: Bats (1999)

Bats (1999)

Big Bats Attack Dumb Movie

Directed By: Louis Morneau
Starring: Lou Diamond Phillips, Dina Meyer, & Leon
MPAA Rating: “R” (for some graphic, bloody bat attacks)

There is a sense of desperation in these creature features that comes when someone (usually the token mad scientist) eerily explains that the bloodthirsty creatures that just killed all of those people are unlike anything ever seen. They are smarter, faster, and have escaped the constraints of their species...unless, of course, these constraints are necessary for their eventual annihilation. Suddenly, the bats are no longer bats; they are just little monsters with wings that somewhat resemble the usually calm animals. This takes all of the fun out of movies such as these...and so it is with Bats, a movie that relies solely on the fact that these bats are not really bats. Even the mad scientist, complete with slightly-bulging eyes and maniacal monologues, is present.

After two teenagers are brutally ripped apart, Sheriff Emmett Kimsey (a woefully-miscast Phillips) enlists the assistance of Dr. Sheila Casper (Meyer), an expert on bats. Not surprisingly, it turns out that bats were responsible (this would be more shocking if the movie wasn’t called Bats and if they didn’t make it very clear that Sheila was a bat expert...and if we hadn’t seen the bats kill them). As it turns out, these are not just any bats. They are biologically-engineered bats, altered by Dr. Alexander McCabe (Bob Gunton) to be all of the things I listed above. As I said earlier, these are not bats; they are just monsters with wings. So, Emmett and Sheila, with the help of the token black guy named Jimmy (Leon), race to bring an end to the bats that only keep spreading and contaminating other bats. Meanwhile, the entire world hangs in the balance.

I will be very honest for just a moment before I began my in-depth analysis of the art that is Bats (Cue the rolling of the eyes...now!). This movie is about as dumb as they come. Each character, with the exception of Meyers’s (as she really is the only one who plays it straight), seems to be some kind of strange farce on an actual person. Overacting abounds in this film. As do hammy creature effects (these bats look strangely like little devils with glowing red eyes), horrible quick-cut editing, and more preparation montages than can be found in an inspirational sports movie. The film defies all sense of logic and even common sense. Characters run wildly, turning every so often to shoot a few bullets at millions of bats, as the countdown to complete annihilation draws near. By the halfway mark, we have seen so much of these winged creatures and the carnage they bring that, by the time we reach the explosive conclusion, we don’t really care anymore.

Bats is strange in that it really seems as though they were really trying to make a comedic horror film...instead, however, it comes off as a Sci-Fi Channel movie of the week. It just takes itself so seriously; yet no single aspect of the movie is ever delivered with that same seriousness. Bob Gunton, a very talented actor in his own right, perhaps epitomizes this miserable trait. He is so thoroughly evil, so deranged, and so over-the-top in the movie that he seems like a villain that would be present in a children’s cartoon. Lou Diamond Phillips, who has never been known for being a very talented actor but can be when he tries, also falls victim to this. He is a southern sheriff and, following the humorous cliché, wears a cowboy hat, puffs on a cigar, and stares around in mindless ignorance. Bats is just a bland and thoroughly dumb movie that, despite being guilty entertainment at times, just doesn’t do enough to warrant your time.

Movie Review: Prom Night (2008)

Prom Night (2008)

Like a Big Mac and Fries

Directed By: Nelson McCormick
Starring: Brittany Snow, Scott Porter, Dana Davis, & Idris Elba
MPAA Rating: “PG-13” (for violence and terror, some sexual material, underage drinking, and language)

To go into Prom Night (2008) expecting a serious horror film is like going into your local McDonald’s and ordering a T-bone steak. Firstly, you won’t get what you wanted and secondly, you may find that, as cheap and recycled as it may be, the Big Mac really isn’t that bad. I must be honest for starters and admit that I have never seen the 1980 slasher flick, Prom Night, of which this is supposedly a remake. Reading both plot outlines online, however, I feel that I can safely review this movie without offending the nature of the first film. What this basically means is this: they are nothing alike. In fact, this is really a remake in name only.

Prom night is supposed to be a night cherished for the rest of one’s life. It represents freedom, friendship, and fun before heading off into the responsible world. For Donna (Snow) and her friends, it represents something much more deadly. Three years earlier, Donna’s teacher, Richard Fenton (Johnathon Schaech) became obsessed with her and subsequently murdered her entire family while she watched while hiding underneath a bed. Locked away forever, he was thought to be out of her life for good...until prom night, when he finally escapes his cell (via an air vent) and stalks Donna and her friends to the hotel where their prom is underway. Over the course of the night, the crazed killer hunts down and kills all of her friends, waiting for the right time to come face-to-face with the love of his life for the first time in three years.

With critics ravaging it and horror sites mocking it more fervently than even the most despised Asian-remake, it is very clear where refined cinema scholars and hardcore horror fans stand. I like to consider myself a hardcore horror fan (hey, I like seeing a gallon of blood spray out of some severed neck as much as the next guy), but I also think it’s unfair to expect every genre entry to be tailor-made specifically for us. Some horror films are designed for mainstream audiences. Some of those still suck. Others, however, manage to be fun, harmless films. Prom Night is one of the latter. Here is a movie that lacks almost everything that is required for a good horror film (i.e. a truly frightening villain), but yet it has most of what is needed for a good general release. It rockets through characterization and build-up and begins to kill off teenagers as quickly as it possible can. Once they start dying, they rarely stop.

For a film that sports its PG-13 rating proudly on its sleeve, it would seem that they forgot this when deciding who would die...how they would die, however, is a different story. People are brutally stabbed to death off-screen (we often hear the sounds of the knife slicing into them) and yet, when they are shown, the blood is strangely missing. There are tears in their shirts, a sprinkle of blood here or there, but nothing else. This, I found, to be odd. It didn’t need excessive gore, but if it wanted to show the corpses of those people who were killed, it did need to maintain some form of realism. This will, no doubt, be rectified with an “Unrated” DVD. Overall, Prom Night (2008) is not the next great icon in horror, but it is a cheesy, fun, and entertaining film that resembles something similar to an eighties slasher flick without the boobs and blood.

Movie Review: Solstice (2008)

Solstice (2008)

Tame…But Underappreciated

Directed By: Daniel Myrick
Starring: Elisabeth Harnois, Shawn Ashmore, Hilarie Burton, & Amanda Seyfried
MPAA Rating: “PG-13” (for violent content, disturbing images, language, teen drinking and some thematic material)

Solstice (2008) was released on the first Tuesday of the new year alongside Resident Evil: Extinction and was largely forgotten. Apparently, people were more excited about watching a scantily-clad Milla Jovovich tear through millions of rotting zombies than they were about watching a tame, but intriguing mystery. This is not a horror film and one should not be fooled into thinking that going into it. Do not expect a vengeful ghost that seeks to haunt and kill; expect something a little more developed. Solstice can’t really even be called a thriller. It is a dramatic ghost story that works as somewhat of a character-study. Because of this, it is never scary, never delving into the ghastly cinematic spectacles...But, even as a devout horror enthusiast, I must admit that I was impressed by what was on display here.

Megan (Harnois) is a troubled young woman on the verge of graduation whose twin sister, Sofie (also played by Harnois), just committed suicide. She and her friends, including Sofie’s former boyfriend, Christian (Ashmore), head to the bayou of Louisiana to spend the weekend in a secluded estate within the swamps. Upon arrival, however, strange things begin to happen. Their car’s headlights turn on by themselves, doors slam, the sinks spray mud, and a strange keychain that belonged to Sofie continues to reappear even after Megan taped it up in a box. Megan becomes convinced that her sister is trying to communicate with her. When the friends hold a séance to reconnect with Sofie however, startling secrets that were never meant to be uncovered find their way to the surface.

Solstice is eerily atmospheric, beautifully-directed, and well-acted. Teen-oriented horror films have rarely looked this competently-made. Director Daniel Myrick (who became famous amongst genre lovers for The Blair Witch Project) uses the setting of the bayou in Louisiana as more than just a pretty locale. He capitalizes on the eeriness, the darkness, and the mystery that seems to enshroud the muddy swamps. The teenagers, all played by shockingly attractive twenty-year-olds rather than real teens, are all well cast, even though they were pulling from the dried-up pool of CW starlets. Elizabeth Harnois, who is the lead and yet perhaps the most unknown of them all, does a wonderful job, holding her own against more established teen stars. Hilarie Burton (who, I must add, is perhaps one of the most talented stars to come out of the CW) has a smaller-than-expected role. She is underused, but great. Even though the casting is predictable, the filmmakers at least had the good sense to hire the talented cast members of tired teen melodramas.

I may receive flack for enjoying this movie as much as I did...but I was also the person that awarded April Fool’s Day (2008) a fairly-positive review, so bring on the criticism! Solstice was incorrectly-regarded as a horror film, setting it up to be considered a tame, boring one. However, this is not a horror film...not even close to one and it was never intended to be so. Partially because of Myrick’s prestige for making what is often considered to be one of the scariest modern horror films, people expected a lot from Solstice. And it has a lot going for it, but not what many were expecting. I dug the intense visual feel of the whole thing, the chemistry between the characters, and the traditional but compelling mystery at hand. It is an underappreciated film, lost in the mindless shuffle that seems to be driving the horror genre. Know what to expect going in and you may just find one of horror’s hidden gems.

Movie Review: Spiral (2007)

Spiral (2007)

And So It Ends…

Directed By: Adam Green & Joel David Moore
Starring: Joel David Moore, Zachary Levi, & Amber Tamblyn
MPAA Rating: “PG-13” (for disturbing behavior, violence, some partial nudity and language)

The first three-fourths of Spiral is a rather disturbing character study and the last act feels like a natural progression from what we already know. The film sets up an intriguing and shockingly dark mystery centered on a mysterious insurance salesman named Mason (Moore) who spends most of the time painting colorful portraits of beautiful women. We watch him stand outside of a diner, staring ominously at his latest subject as rain pours down across his face. He rarely speaks, suffers from severe asthma, and has only one friend: his manager, Berkeley (Levi). After he completes a series of paintings of a beautiful waitress, he needs a new subject: the overly-friendly and humorous Amber (Tamblyn). As their relationship grows, terrifying details of Mason’s “technique” are quickly revealed and put Amber in grave danger.

I believe that the less one knows about Spiral before watching it, the more they will enjoy it. I knew absolutely nothing, except that it came from the creative team that brought us the super-gory Hatchet and that it was supposed to be a profound departure of style and tone. Having not yet seen Hatchet, this did not mean all that much to me. It is hard for me to conceive how the filmmakers could have gone from a violently gory slasher flick to such a profound psychological character study, but it would seem that they have done so effectively. Here is a quiet, understated experiment, a film that rarely depicts outwardly horrific scenes...and yet it is perhaps one of the scariest films to come out in quite some time. We witness the world through the mind of a delusional man and it is truly disturbing.

Amber is a light source in a dark world, and we see her as an idealistic optimist. She falls in love with Mason, despite the fact that the relationship is, to say the least, one-sided. She talks and jokes; he stares eerily at nothing. Why does she love him? We are never sure...perhaps, in reality, Amber is just as sad as he is, but he cannot see that side of her. It becomes very clear that we probably are not seeing anything that is actually true. Instead, everything is as Mason believes it to be. At the end of the film, when his delusions are shattered, we know that no good can come after that point. The world, as we have come to know it, has changed and been darkened to an almost unbearable point. Suddenly, we are vastly disconnected from a maniacal Mason. He is no longer the silent, dorky insurance salesman we have grown to care about; he is scary, perhaps evil.

Spiral is not necessarily a horror movie, but it is far more effective than most of the stuff we consider horror. Joel David Moore...yes, the same one from the epic box-office disaster and Paris Hilton vehicle, The Hottie and the Nottie...gives a startling, unexpected, and deeply-affecting performance. He is a revelation here, perhaps giving the first career-defining film role in his life. Amber Tamblyn, a more established actress, took a risk by turning to such quirky, dark, and non-mainstream material. The girl who became a household name for playing a girl in traveling pants and for talking to God in a hit television show has naturally progressed to much more intense material and it works. We seem to know how Spiral will end, though we hope that we are wrong. There is a glimmer of hope, followed only by the miserable intensity that permeates the rest of film.

Movie Review: P2 (2007)

P2 (2007)

Damsel in Distress

Directed By: Franck Khalfoun
Starring: Rachel Nichols & Wes Bentley
MPAA Rating: “R” (for strong violence/gore, terror and language)

P2 (2007) comes from Franck Khalfoun, a first-time director who is probably most famous for a friendship with modern-day horror master, Alexandre Aja (who produces here). It is a basic thriller, putting a beautiful woman against a crazed psychopath in a confined space. The woman is played by the beautiful and talented Rachel Nichols who you may recognize as the scantily-clad babysitter from The Amityville Horror (2005). She plays Angela, a corporate climber who is working late on Christmas Eve. When she finally tries to leave, however, she finds herself locked in the parking garage. As panic sets in, she meets the strangely over-welcoming attendant, Thomas (Bentley). Very quickly, Angela realizes that Thomas is not willing to let her leave and that, if she wants to survive the night, she must finally fight back.

I had been anticipating P2 for quite a while, but I missed it in theaters. Quick to snag the DVD, it was a blind-buy for me (something I rarely do). Now, having just watched it, I found most of the hype to be rather warranted...though not completely. P2 is not a redefinition of the horror genre (what we have all come to expect from Aja and his screenwriting partner, Grégory Levasseur)...instead, it fits snuggly within the typical mold of the genre. Everything, from the partially-exposed cleavage to the carefully-articulated sprays of blood, is calculated down to the very second. You have seen this all before. Where P2 succeeds, however, is in its execution. You may know the plot and all of its turns instantly, but P2 delivers it in such a way that is fresh, vibrant, and alive.

P2 is one of the few films that rely solely on the chemistry between the two lead characters, rather than the gratuitous deaths of pointless side characters (though, those are present as well). Much of the film is focused on the tense interaction between Angela and Thomas, two dynamic characters who clash because of their personal differences: he is crazy, and she is not. As she finds herself kidnapped, bound with chains and handcuffs, and emotionally tortured, she perhaps transcends the typical “woman in danger.” We met her as a tougher-than-normal woman, perhaps hardened by years of business life, and she displays this throughout the movie. There is no startling moment where she suddenly gains the superhuman strength necessary to turn the tables; there is just the moment of opportunity, the time where she is finally, by pure chance, able to gain the upper hand. She is a smart girl, not making the dumb mistakes that other big-breasted girls usually do in these kinds of movies.

P2, as I have said, follows a basic slasher film formula, except it throws in a few unexpected spices along the way. Wes Bentley as the deranged sociopath is an original villain, not a hulking mass of brainless muscle with a machete and not a completely blubbering loon who spits and waves his arms around. He is somewhere in the middle, very dangerous and very crazy yet normal in appearance. Rachel Nichols is one of the smartest casting choices in recent slasher history. She is talented, not completely dependent on her carefully-exposed breasts, and she fits the character. She is strong-willed and determined. The two prove to be an intriguing pair, more fun to watch than what we are used to seeing in other such movies. P2 may not be breaking any new ground in the genre, but it covers the already well-traveled land with more style, more talent, and more effectiveness.

Movie Review: The Scorned (2005)

The Scorned (2005)

About What You Would Expect

Directed By: Robert Kubilos
Starring: Jenna Lewis, Steven Hill, Trish Schneider, & Bob Guiney
MPAA Rating: “Unrated”

I will not waste too much time on this review, because just watching The Scorned wasted far too much of my time than it should have. This film exists entirely so that E! Entertainment Channel could create yet another vacuous reality show, this time called Kill Reality. I watched the show back in 2005, and it was just another Big Brother knock-off that happened to occur on the set of a horror movie. After the show came to an end, the movie was shown on E! yet with all of the sexuality and nudity removed. Later, it was released on DVD with all of the supposed good stuff included. And I have put myself through the pure torture of watching it so that you won’t have to.

The Scorned is about a group of friends--Oliver (Hill), Kirsten (Lewis), Seth (Reichen Lehmkuhl), and DQ (Jonny Fairplay)--who move into a secluded beach house for the summer. Little do they know that, a few years earlier, an aspiring actress named Raina (Schneider) was savagely attacked and nearly killed by either her fiancée, Matt (Guiney), or her best friend, Nichola (Trishelle Cannatella), after she discovered them having an affair. She is now in a coma, but her vengeful spirit remains within the house. Over the course of a few days, the ghost of Raina begins to kill the friends after they prove to be unfaithful to their romantic partners. Oliver and Kirsten, a couple who broke up after Oliver supposedly cheated, must now race to solve the mystery and save their friends with the help of a crazy spiritualist named Murray (Ethan Zohn) who has mental ties to the devastated Raina.

The Scorned stars a cast composed entirely of reality television stars. We didn’t want to see them on terrible TV shows, so why would we want to see them in a horror film? The answer is, of course, that we wouldn’t...and that is a big problem with the film. Essentially, it is like watching a reality program, except it has a vengeful ghost that kills off a handful of them. The ones we all hated during The Real World or Big Brother are equally-despicable here. The ones we may have liked are, for the most part, the ones we will like here. With the exception of Lehmkuhl (who plays a straight man) and a sprinkling of others, they play themselves. One might think that this is would be an easy task for this group of wannabe actors. Unfortunately, most of them cannot even handle this. They flounder around, going naked whenever possible (no doubt, using their breasts and butts to hide the lack of talent), and feign cheesy expressions of terror.

The cast, however, is not the weakest link of The Scorned because, as we all know, even the worst cast can make for an interesting horror movie. Sometimes, it is more fun to watch overacting dames run away from a killer than talented ones. The writing, partially from Rob Cesternino (who was considered a smart contestant on Survivor: The Amazon), is atrocious. Characters carry guns to face off against a ghost, crying, “I’m going to kill you!” loudly. The entire movie is a rambling narrative, a cheesy melodrama interrupted briefly ever so often to kill off a random character. The direction from porn director, Robert Kubilos, however, is its major downfall. It resembles something that would be seen in a bad porn film; there is not style, no sense of solidity, and nothing that couldn’t have been done better by someone else. His direction stands out solely for its badness. But, The Scorned is just a bad movie overall, dumb and ugly...just like most reality television.

Movie Review: Ghost Ship (2002)

Ghost Ship (2002)

Just Floating Along

Directed By: Steve Beck
Starring: Julianna Margulies, Gabriel Byrne, & Desmond Harrington

MPAA Rating: “R” (for strong violence/gore, language and sexuality)

Dark Castle Entertainment is one of those horror studios that has never warmed horror fans’ hearts. For example, in his review of House of Wax (2005), The Arrow (of www.arrowinthehead.com) said “they went on to make lots of crap. I’m talking: 13 Crap, Ghost Shit and Gothikrap!” Obviously, one must go into their movies with the knowledge that they are infamous for making essentially basic ghost stories (with the exception of the aforementioned slasher flick, House of Wax). With that thought in my mind, I went into Ghost Ship expecting a rather basic haunted house...well, ship film. For the most part, I got just that, minus one essential ingredient: solid characters. In fact, Ghost Ship has no characters; it has cardboard cut-outs that walk, talk, and die. Did they even have names? I don’t really know...and neither did the filmmakers.

Our cut-outs, led by the older-than-everyone-else captain (Byrne) and the woman (Margulies), are a team of salvagers who salvage shipwrecks and claim small fortunes for each one. When a stammering stranger (Harrington) tells them about a seemingly-abandoned ocean liner floating aimlessly in the ocean, the team knows that it could be worth millions. So, they all embark out to salvage the ship and claim the biggest fortune of their careers. Almost immediately, strange things begin to happen: the pool fills with blood, a female voice sings from the radios, and a ghostly girl (Emily Browning) makes many cryptic appearances. The team realize that they have boarded a “ghost ship” and that they must fight to escape before the ghosts kill them all. The discovery of a fortune in gold makes the decision all the more desperate and difficult.

Ghost Ship could have transcending the trappings of its standard plot by improving its characters, perhaps giving them names and relationships instead of merely slapping a few lackluster connections together right at the end, and by actually showing some fear in these characters. As it is, they all encounter ghostly apparitions, chat with them, share a few drinks, try to have sex with them (!), and then die. Therefore, the only thing we know about these people is that they are salvagers and that they are not afraid of ghosts. So, the only question is this: why should we really care? There is no one to root for here and even the ghosts prove to be rather bland, with the exception of the young girl, well-played by an adorable Emily Browning, who is the only one that amounts to something more than a plot device.

There just isn’t enough behind Ghost Ship that isn’t mere fluff. The performances, even from the amazing Gabriel Byrne, are nothing more than standard stuff used to breathe the bare minimum of life into characters that would otherwise just lie there limply. The movie may sport some intriguing special effects (with the sinking of the ocean liner at the end being perhaps the highlight) and a few special death sequences, but the rest of it all is just, for the lack of a better word, boring. I loved the entire opening (the credits, the “Love Boat” theme music, and the very gruesome wire sequence) as well as the later flashback that is stylish and vibrant, but they are in a movie that sadly has very little else to offer. Ghost Ship isn’t an awful movie--it is technically-appealing and well-directed--but it is just attractive nothingness. It is like a balloon, bright red on the outside, but with no helium inside. It may look like a balloon, but it just lies there on the floor with no fun to be had.

Movie Review: April Fool's Day (2008)

April Fool’s Day (2008)

The Young and the Deadly

Directed By: The Butcher Brothers
Starring: Taylor Cole, Josh Henderson, Scout Taylor-Compton, & Sabrina Aldridge
MPAA Rating: “Unrated”

The original April Fool’s Day was fairly standard eighties slasher fare with a divisive twist at the end that, love it or hate it, made it stand out amongst the crowd. April Fool’s Day (2008) is just about the same thing, except it is just standard remake fluff with a fairly intriguing conclusion. Everything, from the characters to the plot, is highly-calculated, with every aspect of the original film twisted beyond recognition and aimed at a dumbed-down audience of teenagers with dead or dying brain cells. It is a sign of the times that all of the characters are fabulously wealthy Paris Hilton wannabes minus the sex tape and that the deaths are, for the most part, bloodless occurrences that all seem like horrible accidents rather than murders. The film may pride itself on being “Unrated” or whatnot, but you should not be fooled. You’ve seen this all before.

In what I suppose is a deleted episode of The Young and the Restless, Desiree Cartier (Cole) and Blaine Cartier (Henderson) are considered to be the Kennedy’s of the Carolina. They are very wealthy, obnoxiously spoiled, and both of their parents have died, leaving them the sole heirs of the fortune. On April Fool’s Day 2007, Desiree throws a swinging debut for the newest member of her clique, Torrance (Taylor-Compton), but little does everyone know that it is merely a ruse for Desiree’s latest prank. However, the prank soon leaves the young Milan Hastings (Aldridge) dead with Desiree, Blaine, and their friends at the center of a yearlong investigation. Exactly one year later, they all receive letters from a mysterious stranger who threatens that, if someone does not admit to Milan’s murder, they will all systematically die over the course of the day.

And so the teenagers begin to die in bloodless, unexciting ways. Most of the scenes are implausible, even ridiculous. Take for example, the first of these scenes: a man leaps into his pool to rescue his drowning dog only to discover that it is just a stuffed animal...and that he cannot swim. A general rule for horror films: if a character says that he or she cannot swim, the said character will either drown within the next thirty minutes or learn to swim by the end. We can only wonder how the killer could film the victim from one side of the pool and yet throw the stuffed dog into the water on the other end of the pool simultaneously. April Fool’s Day never concerns itself with such trivial matters so why should we? It also rarely concerns itself with good acting (the young Miss Taylor-Compton is the only one who comes out looking okay), solid directing, or genuine scares. Had the film gone directly to Lifetime Movie Channel, it would have been the next classic TV drama. As a horror movie, it is barely passable.

April Fool’s Day is not a good movie, but the ending makes it work...somewhat. Expecting a carbon copy of the original conclusion, it was pleasant to see a mean-spirited twist right at the very end. Unfortunately, that is the only bit of backbone in this entire limp genre effort. Everything else seems to roll around in mediocrity. Even the musical score, from James Stemple, is atrocious...perhaps even more terrible than anything else. It resembles something that might accompany Elmer Fudd just moments before his face gets blown off and then magically reassembles in the very next scene. In fact, much of April Fool’s Day could be compared to those old cartoon favorites, except it isn’t nearly as likable. The overacting, with characters looking comical rather than terrified, and the occasionally unintentional humor (i.e. Elton) don’t help matters. As much as I dislike admitting it, however, it is a rather harmless film that is entertaining for, if nothing else, its sheer badness. It is all like a hammy soap opera mixed with a really cheap slasher flick.

Movie Review: Fright Night (1985)

Fright Night (1985)

What Really Goes on Next Door?

Directed By: Tom Holland
Starring: Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale, Amanda Bearse, & Roddy McDowall
MPAA Rating: “R”

Made in the infamous eighties, Fright Night was a departure from the concrete structure of typical teen horror fare. Gone are the random nude teenagers and the killer in a rubber Halloween mask. In their places are one curious teenaged boy, a television personality with an affinity for the supernatural, and a brutal vampire that lives next door. A clever and humorous blend of classic horror efforts and eighties shockers, Fright Night is what would have happened had Bela Lugosi wandered onto the set of a slasher flick and started offing teenagers. This movie, made in a time of cheap teen screams that were virtually all the same thing, dares to be something different. Roddy McDowall’s character, a cinematic horror legend (now opting to host the cheesy TV program, "Fright Night") named Peter Vincent, remarks smugly, “Apparently your generation doesn't want to see vampire killers anymore, nor vampires either. All they want to see is slashers running around in ski masks, hacking up young virgins.”

Fright Night begins by introducing Charley Brewster (Ragsdale), an average high school kid who enjoys horror movies and is a big fan of Mr. Peter Vincent, and his quirky, but cute girlfriend, Amy (Bearse). As is the case with many teenagers in these kinds of movies, sex is the primary focus of their minds. Should they? Shouldn’t they? Just as Amy finally decides that she is ready for sex, however, Charley is distracted by two shadowy figures moving a coffin into the house next door. Soon after, two young women are found decapitated and Charley recognizes one of them as a girl who had recently visited his new next door neighbor. He soon begins to suspect that Jerry Dandrige (Sarandon), the suave and charming man who lives just feet away from his bedroom, may be a blood-sucking vampire, and so he turns to Peter Vincent, the horror icon and self-professed vampire killer, for help.

Fright Night is not the scariest horror film to have come out of the eighties, but one might say that it was never supposed to be. It was a horror-comedy before they were the latest trend. It exists fully in the world of the eighties, when audiences had given up belief in vampires and had moved on to the much-beloved slashers. The vampires living next door are perhaps the boldest cinema has ever seen. Rather than living in a secluded castle and feasting on broken-down motorists, Dandrige lives in a friendly neighborhood in a common house (with the exception of the inexplicable swirling mist that constantly enshrouds it). No one, except for the young Charley, seems to mind the screams of desperate girls as they are killed or the fact that he bites them in front of open windows. After all, vampires don’t really exist...well, at least not in typical eighties horror.

Fright Night does not have much of an impact on the genre as a whole, but it was once a stark reminder that there are other things in the realm of terror than obviously-disguised madmen with knives. It seems to understand its own absurdities, never challenging them, but acknowledging them. When discussing the rules of vampires, Peter observes that his television show had been right about everything else so it would naturally work for something new as well. I particularly would not run into a vampire’s lair based on some grainy late-night creature feature, but the characters in Fright Night would and it seems to make sense for them. Though it does occasionally delve into the tired genre clichés (i.e. the character that widely professes his disbelief in vampires marches off into the night and...well, you know) and the ending is excruciatingly long, Fright Night is an effective horror film, one that mixes sinister creature effects with dark humor for entertaining results.

Movie Review: April Fool's Day (1986)

April Fool’s Day (1986)

Classic Slasher Fare with a Twist

Directed By: Fred Walton
Starring: Deborah Foreman, Amy Steel, Ken Olandt, & Deborah Goodrich
MPAA Rating: “R”

April Fool’s Day (1986) is one of the many slasher flicks that got lost in the shuffle of the eighties, a time when films of this ilk were even more plentiful than boring remakes are in the new millennium. This is unfortunate because it is perhaps one of the few original ones to come out of the decade and holds up considerably well so many years later. To be fair, however, it only becomes original in its last act in a delightfully shocking revelation that is far braver than most mainstream films. The rest is standard slasher fare where sex-obsessed teenagers find themselves being stalked and strategically killed off by an unseen killer. Dead teenagers proceed to fall out of every shadowy corner, while one or two prove to be the only ones not tailor-made for slasher fodder.

April Fool’s Day begins by introducing our array of victims…ahem, teenagers. They are all rather indistinguishable from each other, except for Muffy St. John (Foreman), the pampered heiress who has invited all of them to her palatial island estate for the weekend. On the ferry ride over, an April Fool’s Day prank goes terribly wrong and leaves a dockhand’s face severely mangled. Moments later, however, the teens have recovered from the ordeal and are enjoying the weekend away from the stress and confusion of college life. Harmless pranks, all orchestrated by Muffy, occur, just adding to the frivolity of the occasion. Soon, however, they all begin to disappear one by one, all apparently the victims of a crazed serial killer. As terror sets in, the friends begin to turn on one another, especially on the suddenly-strange Muffy. Is there really a killer on the loose…or is this just another one of Muffy’s pranks?

Early on in the film, one of the soon-to-be-deceased teenagers looks at the well-dressed dining room of the St. John home and states, “This is like an Agatha Christie.” And if Christie had ever written a teen slasher flick for the eighties generation, it would probably resemble something like April Fool’s Day, except with more finely-tuned characters. The primary difference between this and the copious other films that are almost exactly like it is that, while most slasher flicks rely on semi-nude women being decapitated or otherwise dismembered, April Fool’s Day works more effectively as a classy mystery. Like a darker episode of Scooby Doo without a chatty dog, April Fool’s Day is more about finding clues and uncovering hidden secrets than it is about delivering ghoulish gore effectively. It is indeed a welcome change of pace.

Though the ending of April Fool’s Day is a thoroughly divisive one (you will either love it or hate it), it is well-executed and keeps the film from becoming generic slasher fare. Whatever your opinion about the conclusion may be, the ending is why people still discuss April Fool’s Day and why it has left somewhat of a mark, no matter how small, on the genre. The rest of the film is fun and frivolous slasher entertainment, except without the copious amounts of arterial sprays and severed heads. The teenagers have sex, but no nudity is shown (a cleverly-placed shirt flap hides even the token slut’s cleavage). Some might call April Fool’s Day a classy slasher flick and it is...at least in comparison to the other mindless romps from the same decade. It may not be the most blood-soaked tool in the shed, but it is one of the sharpest.